Thursday, October 06, 2005

Thoughts on Letting Go

I'm close to ending this, closer than any of you know. I put only virtue into my life, and receive only pain. Is it so wrong to want?

Every day, I slip a little more. How far is enough? I accept a state of being now that eight years ago I would not. The last thing Prester Bane said to me after my game of russian roulette was "Do you want it to jam?" My answer was a no. I put down the revolver, and surrendered myself to the police. If I knew then what I know now, I would not hesitate to pull the trigger again. What am I supposed to be living for? I'm incapable of most basic normal emotions and social functions.

My love is useless and worthless. Every day, I hear my friends and acquaintances bitterly complain about their choice of partners. Some plan to trade in the old relationship for a newer, younger piece of candy, and some break hearts for convenience; they think a girlfriend a long way away can't give them what they want out of a relationship. Damn them. I have no choice, and no options. Can't they see? I will die alone and lonely for reasons I'm just now completely grasping. I'm completely un lovable. I can give blind love and devotion, but those virtues seem to be meaningless.

Here's a list of scenarios I've found people prefer over me: an available moment with a best friend's lover, a drug addict returning to the area with only lies and a better smile than mine, a two-faced liar out for sex with as many conquests as possible, a liar active in all of the above scenarios swearing he's changed and wants another try. Still, with all those options, the most common choice of company over mine is still to not know me at all. I can't think of one friend who has always stuck with me and supported me in the fashion I do for all my friends, new or old.

In my high school days, I wanted to be a monk. The idea of quiet thinking and prayer appealed to me in the storm of my madness; the only obstacle was finding a church and order similar enough to my beliefs to take up the habit. It seems I've taken up a habit of sorts. I believe we'll call the order "The Knights of Void" That's a good name for a monastic society.

So here I sit, typing more irrelevancy into the internet. Few will read, less will understand, none will comment save to oppose this sentence. I took twice as many tranquilizers tonight as I usually would, so writing is becoming difficult. I'd say "see you later" lastly, but I think we all know that lie. The truth is that I don't want to live in here with him


Laurel Makepeace O'Keefe said...

I wanted to be a monk too, trouble was I am a woman and the only choice there was for me was being a nun, and that was not acceptable...sigh.
Like you, I loved the notion of a quiet thoughtful life of prayer, reflection and deep connection to the god of my understanding. Too bad I wasnt born a man!
Try to remember that this too shall pass,and that it is your disease telling you things are so hopeless right now. I know that it sounds trite or over-used, but you have within you the power to shut down the power that you give these lies. You are love worthy, I think you may even be afraid of being loved and sometimes, sometimes use your disease to distance yourself from this kind of connection....

Laurel Makepeace O'Keefe said...

oh and social functions are over-rated..I myself could live without them entirely,, save for a few genuine, caring friendships.