Sunday, March 26, 2006


I hoped to get through my cousin's wedding without psychotic manifestation. That hope proved futile. A new shape for an old character erupted out of Void: the Many-Armed Knight accompanied me, unseen in full. I saw only his cloak and blades. The black silk and velvet garment with blue steel sword tips came out of every crack, every vent, and out of the eyes of the bridesmaids and groomsmen. I don't know why the hallucinations take the forms they do, but I'm always wishing for them to be less disturbing. Sometimes, I wish for a talking mirror or a rabbit wearing a vest in my troubles, but the images seem to always come back to darkness, violence, and terror.


Patmos said...

I have not gone away.... I just read that there is power in the tongue, they tell me... life and death. Sense I have no strength to speak life, I have decided to take a vow of silence. I know it is not of my faith and no doubt some might think that I am questioning my faith by doing so, yet I have come to believe more faith is involved in sitting silent than always having to have something to say.

I think of you often, and I have brough your phone number up many times on my cell phone to call you, yet, I just hit the end button instead of the send.

I cannot burden you with my troubles, I can not burden you with my fears, I can not goto sleep another night wondering, if I have kept you awake. I can not bring to you my simple troubles and simple problems, when it is you that carries the weight of life upon his shoulders.

Are things better sense my move? The thing that is better is that I no longer cry over my feeling of playing the fool. The fool that would stand and say... "Trust in God", yet would hide under his desk" The fool that would stand and say.... "The Lord shall fight your battle", then go find another Dr. that would pull his sword from his jacket and press it hard upon a Rx script pad. I think that I have put that fool to bed.

I have lost weight, gone on a diet, doing some excercise and taking much opportunities to rest and just "be". My body feels good, my blood pressure and heart rate is now below stroke level and I have the energy to even make love, ok, I am not going to lie... to have sex, not love.

Death has become a daily thought, not of my own death, but the death of others, it is almost like a release when I sit in the silence and think of another person dying, if I would allow myself, I believe I could go through (act out) moment for moment of how I would respond to ones death. Yet I keep myself from doing so, each time I will admit, I allow my thoughts to go further. I was thinking this week, what clothes I would pick out for a loved one.

I have made new friends, yet they call me Pastor, why?!? Why can't they just call me friend? Why can't I just be this man who is doing his best to follow this "cloud", why does "Pastor" always have to go before my name?

I guess I should have done this as a blogg, but I wanted you to know, I have NOT forgotten you, I think of you so often.


Thomas Jackson said...

I always enjoy our talks. We have a lot in common, and I never judge our communications as a burden. I keep my cell on at all times for my friends. Please call me if you need to talk.