Friday, August 19, 2005

Still

I find myself here. I repeat old stories, and relive old battles. The skirmishes in my head are non stop; as Midnight arrives, they escalate. I was fourteen when it started, fourteen. My life didn't even begin before it was over. Now I sit, with the same choices and the same questions I had in my youth. Why? Where is my happiness? Where is my balance? How can I make it all stop? I enjoy the company of others, but those I know seem to distance themselves from me. Apparently, my melancholy is as distasteful to them as it remains to me. I see the future as an extension of the past; it reaches for me with the same inevitable hunger that grabbed me just shy of the mountaintop. Stare me in the hand.

This was the past


The same as the present


A portent for the future.

2 comments:

Patmos said...

I am not making an excuse, I have just been trying to get past something (you know what I mean) I have been in somewhat hiding mode, hoping that it would cure me. I don't know when I will learn, it never works.

Anyway, I don't want to sound like I am bragging on you about this post, although it has such depth to it. I see your hand and it's as if I picture my heart. An honest moment here... I would not be accepted nor understood if I went a long in your footseps, I would be disqualified for ministry. So I do the same, yet on the inside. Where we are safe and comfortable and no one can stare at us or lose their faith in me.

I keep telling myself, that I deserve what is taking place, that it was because of what I said as a child or did while yet too young to remember.

I amaze myself sometimes, I stand behind (His) desk and my victory cry is forgiven!! forgiven!! forgiven!!! No more to remember, unable to recall...... Yet in my office, behind my desk, there I sit, with the blade of childhood and the past, allowing it to carve in me yet another scar from yesterdays wound.

I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your honesy, though we sit in different seats on this vessel, we at least can maybe at times throw water on each other. :)

Anonymous said...

Thomas I will help you forget the past and look onto a better future. Thats all a good friend can truly offer besides their hand to hold. You know you can always call on me if you need me. You know as well there are demons I have to fight. I thank you greatly for helping me fight them!! I love you very much Thomas. You are one my my GREATEST friends....everyone and anyone would love to befriend you no matter what your past or your present is. If they cant except it...then they dont need you and you dont need them


-Jaci ( Nikki)