Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Like it means something

I write my pain because it's the only thing that keeps coming back to me. I have a set of ankle and knee braces from when I played high school football; they're the last physical traces of those days. The rest of it stays in my legs. That's when she comes to remind me we're all alone together; my glittering angel of pain stays with me while the rest of you distance yourselves. If I tell the doctors about my angel, all they do is send me to more therapy and expand the horizons of my medicated life.

No matter how I try to find a way to escape her embrace, she returns in Red, Blue, Brown, and Green: the colors of my solitude. When I won my game of russian roulette, she was there. She stayed with me through car crashes and another attempt on my own life: I could tell I wasn't dead because her smile greeted me on the other side of a long sleep. I don't understand her motives. Whenever I try to explain her, or share her to make her weight lighter on me, she smiles and grows, crushing me like the mass of my older brother sitting on my chest.

She is with me in my slumber; she shares my bed out of pity because no one else will. Be they lightning pains from ankle to knee, or a slow, warm, aching smile arching through my contorted body, the ways to find her are never far away. She tries to help my madness, my knuckles bear their witness, but she only ends up ferrying me from moment to moment like the rest of you, but she never leaves. I hold on to her because she's loyal; she's not your pain, now is she?

I crawl, struggle, thirst, and bruise for a better way to live, but she seems to be, if not the light at the end of a tunnel, my only lantern in the recesses of my memories. Concealing my angel, I hold out a cold, weary hand, and beckon for help or love like it means something.

2 comments:

Patmos said...

I too know this angel. She awakens me each day and settles upon my chest as I sleep. She is not pretty, her face is but a scar on my chest. I was promised that this angel would be taken and put to sleep, yet when they tried to silence her, her voice was greater than the great hands of a physician. So she comes throughout the day, to remind me that she is still there. I try to medicate her, try to ease her coming and going, yet she only finds it funny.

It's as if she claps her hand in such a hollow way, that it startles me each time that she does. I try to give her rest, by not responding, but somehow she seems to know what is best. She never fails to awaken me to the hour that I am in.

I guess if I would not brag about her so much, she would soon get tired, soon to get weary and find another friend. Yet for some reason, she always seems to speak, even when those that are around, know all about her.

Anonymous said...

Thomas's writing is some of the most not only inspirational but knowledegable writing I have ever heard. If someone thinks they know life...they have no clue until they have met this great man and great friend

-Nikki