Monday, June 13, 2005

So close so sad so selfish

I'm close to it. I feel like I could step forward and grab the release. It almost feels like falling away. My arms are in a different place than usual. I tried it your way; that didn't work. I live on pills. I eat on pills. I sleep on pills. That's what I want more than anything. A long sleep that never really ends. How am I supposed to be enthusiastic about this lot? I've tried telling you what and how I feel, but understanding eludes me, no matter how many verses I pen to it. Nobody reads, and nobody cares. Patmos is the only one of you who even tries. The rest won't even observe my movements. If you've listened, and I'm sure you haven't, you should have seen this coming like I do. Don't tell me to relax, or be distracted. I'm here and I am not mute damnit. Each step I take leads closer to the rest. Take this; I don't want it anymore. I'm counting my evening pills, looking at the bottle of tranqs wishing, praying for something else, but we all know that won't happen.


Patmos said...

I have been gone, out of town and doing what I can to catch up.

While taking my pills this a.m. I looked upon thy blogg. I almost laughed out loud, when I read your latest words (because I was taking my pills as well) The count is now to 7, no doubt a small number compared to what your body is to digest. Four are for my heart, the other 3 are for a very crazy mixed up nervous system.

I wonder if man will ever be able to speak to me or maybe over me that will cause this darkened trouble day to pass, or will it end like so many others.

I would try to get up and get out again, yet the last time, it just come crashing down. I think that I have lost hope, I think that I have lost strength, I think that I have lost even them who said... "You will never lose us" They have made their choice, they would rather try to reach me from their light, rather than stepping into the darkness and trying to find me.

I remember the year, 1981 that I felt for the 1st time how I would soon feel the majority of the time. My two brothers and a sister, decided that Hide and Seek would be the game. I remember closing my eyes and counting the best that I knew how, when i opened them my eyes were staring into the darkness. Looking up in the tree, and under cars and even behind the smelly dumpster, I looked and I looked, yet never could find them. I passed the front door and there they were, siting in the light, pointing and laughing. I do remember that night, it was the night that I quit playing with them, I was known after that as the one who knew no fun.

I do care, I really do. I know that I am nowhere near where the darkness has taken you, yet I ask that you remember, we might be miles apart, yet thy darkness does not isolate you, I am here.

Laurel Makepeace O'Keefe said...

Others care Thomas, but we may not know how to begin to assuage such a formidable and tenacious pain. You are most vocal regarding other's inability to understand the depth and breadth of what you suffer with--- And you have more than once bitterly lamented the banality of the words and sentiments that others proffer in what has amounted to feeble attempts to pry you from your well mired angst. Perhaps the few deeply sensitive souls who could very well reach you Thomas have been relegated to an empathetic but silent readership, awed by your obvious poetic genuis,reluctant to say what may you hear as; trite words empty words, or worse, words that fuel your hurt or ire..