Saturday, September 23, 2006

Pills Are Bullets, Too

It's all lies, isn't it? Do you think I'm a fool? I notice. I notice everything. Understanding eludes me, but at least Prester Bane doesn't lie and say we're friends, or close, or anything else but be my prison guard and torturer. How long were you all going to keep the charade? I approximate human behavior and sensitivity, but in the end, the only thing I've learned from you is to keep my mouth shut, and my eyes closed. Prester Bane doesn't bear false witness against me. I'm getting used to his company again. For a while, he was truly my best friend. I could always count on him being around in my hours of need. Sure, what he has to say hurts, but at least he's honest. He tells me I'm a monster; I'm inclined to believe him. When monsters hurt, we hurt like everyone else. I know, trust me. The crucial difference is that when people hurt, they have an outlet, or a friend, or especially a loved one. When I hurt, I have to hide. You will all seek me out and injure me if I don't. That injury ranges from a tounge lashing, to a tired sigh of indifference and conceit, to forcing toxic chemicals designed to make me feel better on me, and all the way to four points and a vacant room. If you don't believe me, just remember the last time any of you let me lean on you. I always take care of my so called friends; they have my undying love and support, even now when I am most alone. I have no one left. My options are exhausted. How many times has a friend of mine called me at 3:30 am, and received an answer? How many of you would welcome a call from me at this hour?

I shouldn't be angry with you. It's all inevitable. Once I stepped out of reality, I should have known that I'd never be allowed back in. Every day hurts. Every long night hurts. None of you have endurance for me even close to the endurance I must have for Prester Bane. He exhausts me, and won't let me sleep, pray, or do anything else. At least he's here.

Give me my bottle of tranqs and a pistol. I can make this very simple. Pills are bullets, too; they're just slow.

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