Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Up Too Late

I know why I'm up too late. I try to extend my waking hours to encompass two blessings. Every morning, I wake up for a reason. That reason differs from day to day, but usually centers around promises. If I promised my Mom I'd do something, I get up to do it. I think comforting my family with something positive each day helps them by showing I'm still somewhat functional. Mornings are easier than evenings for blessings. Usually, when I finally fall asleep, I fall from exhaustion, not peace. I keep writing until I'm too tired to keep a point going for more than a few words. Lately, I've felt the need for two blessings stronger than I did even a short time ago. I measure events and life in years, not days or months. I don't want to go to sleep out of necessity only to wake up out of more necessity with the gnawing fact at the back of my mind that the future holds only more pain. I'm looking for a blessing tonight, but I can't find one. My affliction rules me. In the end, I have only Prester Bane and The Many-Armed Knight for fellowship. Tonight, and for quite a long time, they rule the dark hours. I don't know what to do or who to address with my problems. The doctors can't do any more. There is no magic pill to take it all away: I don't have problems with taking pills. I have problems finding reasons to wake up, and blessings to guide me into slumber. I'm not the only one with problems or pain, but I remain the only one who knows about the shackles and dark rooms of mine.

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