Wednesday, August 23, 2006

200th Post

Why do I repeat myself? I can everything. Most of my remarks and my speech are pre-prepared to meet future occasions. Believe it or not, I would repeat myself even more if I didn't try to mix it up beforehand. I don't have the memory that I used to; my disease and my medications changed all that. I find myself in similar situations all the time, so my anecdotes become circular. I don't like the way my mind works anymore; I do my best to replicate what I was before, but I just keep failing miserably. I tried being more spontaneous, but all that ends up doing for me is guaranteeing silence out of my voice, and even less socialization than I manage now. If I can't speak, the choir just sings louder, and Prester Bane finds more opportunities to instruct me. Needless to say, I don't want that.

So I'm left with very few options. The most genuine would be to remain quiet, but that leaves me with no companionship aside from the Choir and Prester Bane. The other major option is to manufacture statements ahead of time and practice them. It's hard to be a Monster full-time, so I often resort to the canned, smiling jackass familiar to the few of you who know me outside the written word. Don't feed me a line of bull about how much you genuinely like me. Everyone who knows the Monster prefers the jackass; that's the truth.

There's nothing I want more than to establish myself in the written word. It gives me the time and the opportunity to say things as I wish them to be said. I wish I could touch people with this blog and my poems, but I know that option is closed. I type to a brick wall. My options are the Monster and the smiling, loudmouthed jackass; there is no third.

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